According to Harville Hendrix, we are most magnetically attracted to people who embody the characteristics of our parents or early caretakers because we unwittingly seek in a partner someone who will re-injure our childhood wounds. Our adult selves can finally heal those wounds, but the more negative those characteristics are (from critical and controlling to charmingly irresponsible) the more intense the attraction we feel.
We can get relief from our nostalgia for a passionate love by remembering the intensity of the memory does not hold some great truth about the relationship’s sacredness. Remember, what fueled the attraction may not have been love, but your soul’s desire to heal the past.
Subliminally, people in love promise they will meet all of each other’s needs while having none of their own. (Like mommy did!) Listen to the language of lovers and you will hear the echoes of that infantile bliss: “Baby, Sweetie, Honey, Darling.” We long for the feeling of fullness again, of merged egos. Getting free means understanding that the completeness you felt with your past love echoed a memory from infancy. It was an illusion and temporary and in reality it was not love. Had the relationship continued, you would have seen boundaries snap back in place with the inevitable reestablishment of reality. No one would have made you feel that high forever.
Brain scientists now recognize that nearly 20 percent of us suffer from “complicated grief.” According Rob Stein of the Washington Post, “One of the hallmarks of complicated grief is a persistent sense of longing for the lost one and a tendency to conjure up reveries of that person.”
The persistence of a romanticized memory contains an addictive element but the element is not in the former relationship, it’s in you. For the 20 percent of us that stuck-ness has a biological source, an actual difference in brain processing. It can help to know the connection you still feel may be more biological than spiritual in origin.
So trade in your rose-colored glasses. Chances are you are romanticizing weaknesses as strengths. Was he self-employed because of his independence or his inability to accept authority? A realistic assessment is empowering. Keep a cheat sheet of unflattering truths and refer to it when you slip into dewy daydreams. It is easier to let go of a human than a hero.
One of the best balms for emotional wounds is creativity, which is different from staying busy. Doing something creative, whether it is writing, drawing, composing lyrics, changing your hairstyle, planting a garden, thinking of a great gift, or redecorating a room, connects you to yourself and a power greater than yourself. Doing something kind for someone else is also a good idea but let’s face it, you can brood the entire time you are doing a good deed. Creativity is deeply engaging. It fills you from the inside out.
Read more: http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Relationships/2008/10/Past-Loves.aspx?p=8#ixzz1mCzflwpg
MY BALM IS MY BLOG
Although quite rare, one can actually establish a pure, complete connection with someone. You can tell because it's still there after years and years and doesn't trigger the high associated with early stage romantic love. Instead, you feel complete, fully alive, centered, and at peace. It doesn't get any better than this! Once you get used to it, this feels rather unremarkable though because you're just being truly you. Achieving and sustaining that level of connectedness with someone requires years of work as you need to eliminate almost all of your emotional baggage and avoid or work though all of your negative unconscious responses as per Hendrix.
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